(How unforgiveness can hide behind healthy language.)
If you’ve spent any time reading or hearing about boundaries, there’s a good chance you’ve come across a book called “Boundaries”.
And for good reason.
Because what Henry Cloud and John Townsend put language to has helped a lot of people understand something they didn’t know how to say before:
You are responsible for you.
Not for someone else’s choices.
Not for someone else’s behavior.
Not for someone else’s reactions.
They describe boundaries as the lines that define what is yours to carry… and what is not.
Your thoughts.
Your feelings.
Your actions.
Your responsibilities.
And just as important—what belongs to someone else.
That kind of clarity is freeing.
Because for a lot of people, boundaries help people realize:
“I don’t have to keep letting unhealthy behavior continue unchecked.”
“I don’t have to carry what was never mine to carry.”
And that’s good.
That’s necessary.
That’s healthy.
But here’s the tension…
Somewhere along the way, something subtle started to shift.
What was meant to be a tool for clarity and health
has, in some cases, become a tool for control and distance.
Not always intentionally.
Not always maliciously.
But practically?
It starts to look less like wisdom…
and more like a line drawn to make a point.
And that’s where we have to slow down.
Because a boundary, as helpful as it is, was never meant to replace something deeper.
In Matthew 18:21–35, Peter asks what feels like a generous question:
“How many times should I forgive?”
He’s trying to draw a line.
Jesus refuses to give him one.
Instead, He tells a story—about a man forgiven an impossible debt…
who then turns around and puts someone else in confinement over a much smaller one.
That’s the tension.
Not just unforgiveness.
But control disguised as justice.
When Boundaries Turn Into Something Else
A boundary, at its best, says:
“Something isn’t healthy here… and I care enough about what’s right to create space for it to heal.”
But a hostage situation says:
“You don’t get access to me until you pay for what you’ve done.”
One creates space.
The other creates pressure.
One leaves the door cracked open.
The other locks it—and keeps the key.
And here’s where it gets uncomfortable:
You can use all the right language…
and still be doing the wrong thing.
The Difference Isn’t Always What You Say : It’s What’s Driving It
A real boundary is backed by forgiveness.
Not perfect resolution. Not instant trust.
But a heart that has already released the debt.
A hostage situation is backed by an unforgiving spirit.
Even if it sounds calm. Even if it sounds mature.
Even if it sounds “healthy.”
Because it’s not about healing…
It’s about making sure they feel
what you felt.
So How Do You Know?
Not by what you call it.
But by what it’s doing in you—and what it’s doing to them.
Questions That Reveal the Difference
Sit with these. Don’t rush them.
1. Am I creating space to heal…
or distance to make them feel what I felt?
2. Did I actually go to them to work it out—
or did I just decide I was done and call it a boundary?
3. Am I waiting for them to come to me…
so I can stay justified in not pursuing peace?
4. Have I taken any real steps toward restoration—
or have I only taken steps away from them?
5. Is there hope in how I’m handling this—
or is there a quiet finality that says, “this is just how it’s going to be”?
6. Have I clearly communicated what hurt me—
or have I just changed access and expected them to figure it out?
7. Am I stepping back with explanation and humility—
or dropping a boundary on them without a conversation?
8. Am I keeping score?
9. Do I feel myself getting more bitter over time—
or more settled and at peace?
(BTW – Bitterness doesn’t grow in healthy boundaries… it grows in cages.)
10. Have I already decided who they are—
before hearing them out?
11. Am I listening to understand…
or just listening for evidence that I’m right?
12. Am I talking to them about the issue—
or talking about them to others?
13. When they’re around… am I fair and grounded—
or already irritated and ready to push back no matter what they say?
14. Is my posture saying, “we can work through this”…
or “you’ll feel this until I decide you’ve paid enough”?
15. Have I released them…
or have I just redefined how close they’re allowed to get
so they never forget what they did?
That last one tends to land.
Because that’s the difference.
A boundary says:
“I’m stepping back for now… with clarity… and with hope that we can move toward something healthier.”
A hostage situation says:
“I didn’t release you… I just changed your access—and made sure you noticed.”
This Is Where Forgiveness Matters
Forgiveness isn’t pretending it didn’t happen.
It’s not immediate trust.
It’s not removing wisdom.
It’s something deeper.
It’s releasing the debt before the relationship is repaired.
Which is exactly what the servant in Matthew 18 couldn’t do.
He wanted payment.
Jesus was pointing to something deeper.
Something life-changing.
Forgiveness isn’t just something you do…
but something that becomes part of who you are.
Not a reluctant command you obey when you have to…
but something that is part of who you are.
And when forgiveness becomes who you are—
You still set boundaries.
You still step back when needed.
You still protect what’s healthy.
But you don’t hold people hostage while you do it.
But most importantly… you leave room…
For truth.
For repentance.
For healing.
And for something most people don’t think about in the middle of the hurt—
a future that isn’t defined by what happened…
but by what God can restore.
phillipbrande.com 