Top 5 Church Bugs…

There are bugs in churches across this nation and literally in churches all over the world. Bugs are not a respecter of denominations, in fact they do not mind if the church is Methodist, Baptist, Presbyterian, handles snakes, wears robes, has a drum set or uses an organ.

It seems that the bugs that get into our churches are interdenominational.

An interesting fact about these “church bugs” is; they are not the same bugs we commonly use in sermons as illustrations, like the caterpillar and the butterfly. Instead they are rarely used as illustrations if at all. And maybe that is why they are showing up… they are saying “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

Here is a list of those faithful bugs….

#5 – Water Beatles

Regardless if you baptize by sprinkling or immersion these black bugs seem to show up. You know they are present when you hear screams from the ladies bathroom. Mistaken for roaches, these guys are always around. Their walking style is very odd, which makes them a little creepy. They also love to hang out in the baptistry and like to float in the water on the morning you are going to baptize a new convert.

4. Zacchaeus Ants

These “wee little things” show up from time to time looking to take what isn’t theirs for their own profit.

Organized without committees or teams they have one central mission… they want food that was blessed by Jesus.

The preschool gold fish are what they often go for first… but be careful they may make it to your kitchen and become little surprises for your next communion service.

3. Spiders

Now I know what you are thinking, Spiders are not bugs. However if “you are what you eat” and spiders eat bugs then at some level they’re bugs… right?

Spiders come in all shapes and sizes. They are reminders that all is not good in the world and are capable of making a grown man scream like a girl.

I had a big one in my office last summer that put me on top of my desk. After I got up enough courage to kill it, I went looking for the second. They always travel in twos.(I am sure this is in response to a command Jesus gave…)

Soon, I found the second and sent it to its grave. Shaking the whole time I was trying to kill it.

Most of the spiders I saw in the church growing up looked something like this…

Just a weird exoskeleton looking sort of thing that was designed to creep kids out in church.

I am sure of it.

I am not sure what this type of spider eats but I do know that if there are pieces of water bugs in a corner, at a door or by a window there is a bigger more terrifying spider than the one pictured here, somewhere in the room.

The pieces on the floor are either the remains of what he did not want to eat or a tithe of his food to God.

Regardless, at this point, I leave the room.

2. Zombie Crickets

Here is a normal cricket…

Here is a cricket that has died and come back as a Zombie…

Now, if your church has a basement chances are you have these.

Ugly, deformed or mutated, back from the dead and scary looking.

They can jump higher than a human can… which brings on heart issues for most people.

There is only one redeemable quality in my mind concerning these bugs…

they eat spiders.

I am willing to not kill them for that reason alone.

1. Potluck Flies.

Coming to the sanctuary the Sunday after your potluck.

Most flies die after a few days but potluck flies seem to have eternal life. I have actually smashed one flat only to see it get up and try to fly again.

Even if you do kill them it seems they haunt the area where they lost their life.

Yes, they come back as ghost flies!

How do I know this?

I have seen a fly seemingly appear out of thin air, then by the time I turned around with my fly swatter it was gone.

Seemingly disappearing in thin air!

So there you go… it would be cool if you would comment on this post and tell about your experiences with church bugs…

if not… I understand… you need to sleep tonight.

One thought on “Top 5 Church Bugs…

  1. Good stuff. When I worked at Salem in maintenance we had cockroaches that could pull a wagon. They came out at night, and ran as quick as the lights were turned on. No spiritual comparison unless you want to relate them to a congregational meeting gone bad.

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